A Porn Princess of Mars

The only way SyFy Channel’s “Princess of Mars” could have sucked more is if they had used some footage from Traci Lords’ previous films.

Let me just say the Princess of Helium should be breathtakingly beautiful, not “rode hard and put away wet.”

The choice of Lords to portray “the incomparable Dejah Thoris”  was horrible, but the choice of Antonio Sabato Jr. to play John Carter was even worse. Carter is supposed to be a soldier from Virginia, but Sabato exudes all the Southern charm of a plate of  lutefisk.

Don’t even get me started on Tars Tarkas and his ridiculous costume. Think Lou Gossett Jr. in “Enemy Mine,” then stick some wobbly tusks in his jowls.

Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote fast-paced swashbucklers with exotic beasts, sweeping landscapes and beautiful Barsoomian cities. In this production, we get bad CGI bugs, sand and rocks and a factory of some sort. At least they took down the “Safety First” signs.

Even the action sequences blew chunks. Here’s a hint: During a fight scene, people should move.

Like this …

Or this …

I hope a horde of  giant white apes rips up the studios.

– Steve